Bagpipe Jokes
(gathered from various sources)

Q. Why do pipe bands march when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

One day a piper left his pipes in clear view on the backseat of his car. When he returned he was shocked to find the rear window broken and another set of pipes beside his.

Q. Why don't pipers polish their shoes?
A. So nobody will see up their kilt.

Q. What's worn under the kilt?
A. (to a man) Same as you only bigger.
A. (to a woman) Nothing lass it's in perfect working order.

Q. How do you put a twinkle in a piper's eye?
A. Shine a light in his ear.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Bagpipes-(noun)-I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-Alfred Hitchcock 

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five -  one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Jack Lee would have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticize his fingering style.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.

Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.

Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig.  (Some South Florida Humor)

A Canadian Officer, pinned down with his unit in 1944 in Italy, urgently signaled his CO.

"Need reinforcements to rescue us, please send six tanks or one bagpiper."

Ireland gave the Scots the bagpipes . . . and they still haven't gotten the joke yet

Q. How do you get two pipers in tune with each other?
A. Shoot one of them.

Two girls are walking along when they hear. "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous bagpiper and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous bagpiper any day.

Q. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A. Put it in a bagpipe case.

A piper died and went to heaven. St Peter asked whether he played an instrument and he replied "Yes, the bagpipes". "Excellent" said St Peter, I think we have a vacancy in our pipe band. "What is God like as a Pipe Major" asked the Piper. "Not too bad" said St Peter, "although occasionally he thinks he's Terry Lee ".

By some rare chance. A piper ends up in hell. Satan passes him one day and says, "Well, Scotty, hot enough for you?" "Well, to tell ya the truth son, the Enumclaw Highland games was hotter than this"
So Satan has the demons start stoking the furnaces more. The next day Satan asks again, "Hey, Scotty, hot enough for you?"  "Well, to tell ya the truth son, the Tacoma Highland games was just as hot"
So Satan has the demons REALLY start stoking the furnaces. The furnaces are so hot there glowing cherry red and the demons are starting to pass out from the heat. After a day of this Satan asks "Well Scotty, hot enough for you now?!" "Well, to tell ya the truth son, my band practice hall was just as hot"
Satan is furious. Tells his demons to shut off the furnace. Cranks the air conditioning on. ALL THE WAY,. ICE IS EVERYWHERE.
The next hour Satan goes to see the piper. He's shivering and slapping himself to try to stay warm, but he's jumping up and down celebrating.
Satan looks at him and says, "Now, Scotty, you're obviously not doing well in this cold. Just why are you celebrating?"
Scotty says to him "are you kiddin', Man? ' Hell's just frozen over! That means MY BAND JUST WON THE WORLD PIPE BAND CHAMPIONSHIPS!